I’m in my fifties, inside, I often still feel about 14.
I’ve seen a lot, done a lot, experienced a lot, learned a lot, but some things, I don’t know if it is genetic / biological ageing, or experience ageing, or had-enough-of-this-shit-already ageing, but some of the things I find myself thinking and feeling now, well, I dunno I would have predicted that about myself in years past.
The kids I ain’t seen hide nor hair of for 8 years and change, well, put it this way, I won’t lose much sleep if I don’t ever see them again, essential bonds have had too long to wither on the vine, and no new bonds were formed.
Back when I was 20 something I met this chick, I already knew her dad, we’ll call him Chaz for the sake of this post.. which is how I met her, her mum and dad split when she was like two or something, come 18 she decides to go find him, and eventually does, and moves in and spends time, and 3 months later they spend a couple of weeks fucking.
Now at the time it made me feel sick, I mean physically sick, and some of the last words I ever spoke to the asshole were along the lines of how the fuck could you, your own fucking daughter man.
I still remember his reply, it boiled down to he didn’t know her, he didn’t know anything about her, last time he saw her she could barely walk, next thing he knows an adult woman walks into his life, she ain’t his daughter, not really.
Back then I didn’t get what he was saying, he was a sick fuck and that’s that (worth mentioning that it takes two to tango and she was as willing as him) so I don’t give a fuck what excuses you give me, fuck off and die.
Here and now, well, I’m glad I only have sons and aren’t a fag, because I’ll never have to worry about finding *that one* out about myself, because I suspect I now know exactly what he was saying about next thing you know an adult walks into your life, and it ain’t your kid.
It’s just an adult you don’t know, as for blood, well, that gives the kid a chance, and by that I mean a chance to make the effort to get to know his old man, and earn his respect and trust, because the old man ain’t gonna do the heavy lifting.
Ain’t the kid’s fault, ain’t the old man’s either, life sucks some times.
Had wimminz tell me what a wonderful father I would make, even had wimminz wanting to give me a child “so I could be that wonderful father” and I reckon one or two of them even meant it.
Could *not* explain to a single one of them, so they understood, that that ship has sailed… maybe it’s because they were younger than me and the biology hadn’t kicked in, but they all started off thinking I was rejecting it as a consolation prize to replace the original that was taken from me, when the reality, well, people change, and I’M NOT THAT FUCKER ANY MORE, and I don’t particularly wanna try and go back and be him, because too many years have passed, and the remaining number of years is finite, and probably significantly less than have already passed.
I have no urge to be in my early seventies and still have kids around the house, and I’m saying that in my mid fifties, by the time I’m early seventies I’d probably be so pissed at my former self I’d invent a time masheen just to go back and kick my own ass. Idiocracy it is.
DNA has been satisfied, I have procreated. End of story.
When I was in my twenties or even thirties I’d swing my leg over a Harley and ride out to places and get off, to hang out, see people, and be seen.
Now in my fifties I’ll swing my leg over a Harley and ride out and not stop anywhere unless it’s for gas or a smoke or some shit, people and places I avoid, I’ve turned into one of those antisocial grumpy old cunts on pans and knucks that I used to run into when I was a lad, whooda fucking thunk it…
A commenter on a previous post said that I seem to write about the elites milking everything, I responded that I thought I was writing about society and the human condition and the decline of industry, and I guess that is true, but there is another truth, or at least another question, that needs looking at.
Basically I’ve gotten a lot more bored with people in general, the populace, than I was when I had thirty years less experience of them, young boys want to be heroes, older men want to be invisible.
But the question is this, is this because the ageing process does this shit to you, or is this because this stage of human society and culture is coming to an end (teh steam age, teh electric age, teh digital age etc) and I’m bored with the old system, or is it a mixture of both?
Positing questions about men fucking their long lost daughters, well, for most of human history the daughter would not have been long lost, so the only daddy / daughter fucking would have been two people who HAD known each other all their lives, so a time machine would be interesting to compile statistics on how the broken home and ending of the man as head of the house and home has skewed things.
Maybe “paedophilia” (in the press that means fucking anyone under 21) really is a lot more prevalent in the last decade, and maybe the rise of the broken homes and *vastly* increased numbers of Chaz’s in society is at the root of it.
Why shouldn’t I fuck it, I don’t know it, it’s a stranger to me…
And as for infantilism….
“Friend” of mine, I use the term loosely, has some pre teen daughters, and it’s an interesting mix, personality wise, physically they are approaching the age where the body changes to womanhood, first period, can get pregnant, all that good stuff, but mentally… well it’s a mix of barbie slut airhead princess and Ruprecht the monkey boy’s retarded sister.
In my mother’s day girls of their age would be taking on a significant portion of the household chores, raising the younger siblings, bathing feeding teaching, and fetchin’ dad’s pipe and slippers and so on when he came in from a hard day’s work….
This lot can make cup cakes and beans on toast, but can’t wash or dress themselves properly, and come home from school with heads crawling with nits every week.
It would be like meeting my kids next week, there simply is not enough time left before they reach adulthood for them to learn and absorb all the things they need to learn and experience, it is already too late, and it is already too late for these girls, maybe a year away from the first period, the budding breasts, the swelling hips, the hormones pumping.
Thing is, he asked me if I would look out for his girls if anything happened to him and his missus, and I’m turning into Chaz, because the first thoughts that *actually* went through my head were “if it lands on my plate in five years time at least I can fuck them and get something in return…” so what I actually said was “you need a plan B buddy, I’m barely keeping my own shit together, you need to pick someone you can rely on once you’re gone”
Only person who can rely on me is me.
Had a conversation with someone near and dear last week, told them, shit is coming down the line, the future and the past will not be the same, and what you got to get your head and heart and soul around is one simple fact.
When change comes, what worked yesterday will get you killed tomorrow, and vice versa, you better be hip to that, you better be ready for that, you better revise any ideas you have that you *know* me, the one trick ponies like the aforementioned friends daughters…. be like flying ants, one day the air is thick with them, next day they gone…
It’s a function of age, not the world and not no body or no thing in the world gives a fuck about you or your welfare or happiness… certainly not me.
I’m too old for that shit.